In everyone’s life, they have a childhood, within that childhood; everyone needs and wants specific things. Whether it'd be toys, candy, or even lots of friends, every child strives so something. For me, my sole endeavor was approval; I always wanted to climb the ladder of approval from my family and teachers. In my childhood I always lacked and worked for approval that made led to many challenges to my hard life.
As a student I was always loud and obnoxious to the teachers. I just wanted their attention approval and I would do anything to achieve my goal. For example, I sped through assignments until I had cramps in my hand so I could finally execute me signature victory punch in to the air to be the first one done. Then I would call out for my teacher to come over and hope to God that she would be impressed. However, every time my teacher came over, she would scrutinize over my first grade work, brow unendingly tense, showing her wrinkles of focus as I sat their holding my breath like I was six feet underwater. After what seemed to be a life time, she always seemed to find a mistake and walked away on her heels in silence. Her heels echoed in my emptying heart as I would hate myself for not doing better. After beating myself up for the first half of the day, it was finally lunch time. Time to play go outside and play soccer with my buddies in our make shift field with tress as our goal posts.
I was never the best at anything, always discouraged by my family and teachers, but when it came to my friends, I realize they were always there to help me back on my feet. While we were making teams for soccer, I usually picked close to first. Not because I was good at the sport but because my friends just liked having me on their team. Being accepted always got me through the day. After school, I had a little time to exchange a few words with my friends before I had to go home to face more disapproval from my parents.
Everyday I was asked “How did you do in school?” I would tell them the half-truth by saying that I finished first on an assignment in class hoping that my parents would acknowledge me. However, my parents would never have faith in me and would search through my binder like I didn’t say anything only to find an assignment littered with careless mistakes. Then my parents would look down at me to tell me to try harder, but their words lacked a caring tone. Even when I did try my best and brought home an above average mark, they would still tell me to try harder. On days like these, I would go into my room and wonder why I couldn’t please anyone.
After months and months of being depressed, I became more and more numb the want for approval. As I grew older, I realized that the reason why I was having such a hard time was because I fought with myself so hard to please others that I forgot to even please myself. I deprived my own self of approval.
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